Just Thinking…

Sorry for those of you I freaked out yesterday. I am really fine.
Travelling changes people, I know that, its part if why I love it so much.

In the last 7 weeks I have changed quite a bit, my outlook on life has changed.

I have been reading quite a lot, books change people too. I have been reading novels, the novels that I have read so far are helping me to be inspired to live my life as fully as possible.
So then, due to a conversation I had the other night, I had some revelations about who I am and where I want my life to be heading.
Even with all the changing I have done, I wasn’t quite expecting this revelation, so I freaked out a bit. Still, its a great thing to happen.

When I went on about face, at the briefing we did an exercise about personality types. One of the things we talked about is if you are a thinking or a feeling person. I clearly, was in the thinking category. Someone else in the thinking side said something about ‘thinking through feelings’ and someone on the feeling side pointed out how that is still thinking. Feeling is different.

I feel as though I understand how to feel now. It’ new too me. I can’t even describe it.

So, with all this, yesterday I was trying to ‘think’ about how to cope with feeling. I don’t know if I came up with an answer, but I do know I am really really happy to be alive to feel this.

(please note: all of this has been brought on by things happening here, nothing to do with anything going on at home – this is for the benefit of some people who contacted me after yesterday’s outburst)

I’m not sure what to think at the moment. I want to be really happy and really sad at the same time.

What do you do when you get what you prayed for?
It’s doing my head in. I was already exhausted and sick (I have managed to get a throat infection), but now this too.

I guess that the answer is to keep praying and to try to live out of love rather than fear. Right?
I mean, that is probably the answer to everything though.

One of the good things about having my own laptop (while travelling) is that I can take it to internet cafe’s and download while I am catching up with people. 5 mins more and I will the new Doctor Who. Yay.
I know, im in India, I shouldn’t be worried about watching TV shows, but sometimes its good to have something to do at night that isn’t reading.

Its my birthday again soon, and I have started stressing about it already.
I know its silly, I have one every year so I should just get over it.
Its the time of the year that I think most about what I am NOT doing with my life, all the things I feel like I should be doing or should have already done. It won’t be as bad this year, Im in India with no fixed plans of when I’m going home.
So, nothing to stress about… right…

In the last 2 days I have had the symptoms of almost every illness there is.
Friday night, I had a throbing headache, barely slept because of the sound of my own heartbeat (read anxiety issues) and kept waking up in hot and cold sweats.
Saturday I could hardly move or put a sentence together, still with the headache but also with some sharp headaches (like the ones that I had MRi’s about a few years ago) and I couldn’t eat and I felt like vomiting. Today, I want to vomit and I have a cough & i’m sneezing.

It is all too much. I don’t know how I can possibly get all these things at the same time. I knew that going through everything in my house would be stressful and take its toll, but I wasn’t expecting this. I don’t even know if it is related.
I am feeling much better than yesterday, or even this morning. Hopefully it keeps going.

I just heard on the news that ‘opportunists’ are flocking to the bushfire affected areas to try to buy cheap land.
The story was done in a negative way, as in these horrible people who are trying to make a profit during these terrible times.
Well, Suck it up people. That is how this country works. You can’t be capitalist while things are good and then expect protection from the ‘evil opportunists’ when you are the weak one.

Don’t get me wrong, it sucks that the fires were that bad and people died. I’m not trying to say that isn’t terrible.

Im just saying that if our economic structure is something to complain about while you are vulnerable, then maybe you should say/do something about it while you are strong. Maybe, the people who aren’t involved in this who are upset at the ‘opportunists’ should have a look at their own lives, who is it that they are taking advantage of to live their lifestyle.

You can’t have it both ways.

I am so bloody sick of packing.
I’m just not in the mood for it, I don’t know why I own so much crap in the first place.
I have gone through my stuff and got rid of more than half of my clothes & more than half of my books and I still have too much crap.
I’m sick of sifting through it.

On the bright side, I think my backpack is close to packed, I have found an Ashram that looks good (although there is no hot water), and my flight is booked for the 13th of March. Three weeks from today I will be flying into Mumbai.

I’m fairly happy with my life at the moment.
I am now unemployed, which I am loving at present.
I like the freedom to do whatever, I like the fact that no-one is relying on my for anything.

I am going to spend some time over the coming weeks visiting friends that I haven’t seen in a while, as well as pack up my house and get ready to go to India. I am looking forward to seeing some of my old friends, I don’t have friendships like those ones any more. The type where you can talk about anything and you have something to talk about even if you saw each other yesterday or 3 years ago. I miss some of those people.

Leaving Wollongong feels like it should be sadder than it is. I have been here since 2000, except for some OS trips in there. I don’t know if I will come back to live in Wollongong again. So it feels like I should be sad about that, but I’m not. Its been an interesting place for me, so many ups and downs, the last few years I have been in recovery mode, but I feel like I am actually living again now. I’m excited to see what else the world has for me to see and experience.

I went to the beach today.
I never do that. It was nice, to do something just for fun.
It was great. I am going to try to do it more often.
I like the feeling of living my life compared to the feeling of watching my life. At the beach I felt like I was there, in that moment and I was content to be there in that moment.

…and I am tired.

I don’t know why. I don’t know where this has come from. I don’t know what this is about.

Is it fear? Am I scared of what my life might become. Am I scared that I might fail?

Without goals, failure is inevitable. Yet, I am still disappointed in myself for failing.

So I take the same steps that I always do, just enough to pick myself up for a little while longer, knowing that it’s not enough.