I remember saying to someone that birthday’s are only crap if you aren’t happy with what you’re doing with your life at the time – like new year they become a reminder that we could be doing better or that we have spent yet another year being unhappy.The last few years I have been fairly good. This year I’m great.

I gave up sugar 8 weeks ago. This is the Easter weekend and I failed the Easter temptation and ate a pile of chocolate in the last 36 hours – but I’m done with it now. While my diet still needs some work, cutting out things that are greater than 10% sugar has ultimately been a positive move. I’m less moody (Hooray!) and more energetic. I’m hoping to begin writing more about this journey and how it is effecting me over the coming weeks.

The other part of a birthday, especially one just before a ‘big birthday’, is the goal setting. I’m a great goal setter, I can make great lists with detailed goals and time frames but I only ever achieve about 10% – which 10% is anyone’s guess.  So here is my rough list for this year – so far: (not in order of priority)

1. Ride my bicycle to work at least 3 times a week

2. Do a half marathon (start with a 10k)

3. So a sprint distance triathlon (apparently really fat people do them, so there is no reason I can’t)

4. Save money (I have a target, but it’s not really the place for it)

5. Have fun and enjoy life – not a  measurable goal I know

6. Get back off my antidepressants

7. Spend 30 mins a day on yoga, tai chi or meditation

I think that’s enough. I have work goals but they are best left in the work environment.

Even if  I don’t do all of these, I think it’s going to be a good year.

My new job seems good, the people are nice, the work is interesting and it’s challenging enough to keep me interested.

Living in Sydney is working well for me, Annie and I are having fun and I’m actually keeping the place clean.

Plus, It’s been seven days since I ate something with more than 10% sugar. It’s great – hard, but great
I’ve even learned how to make my own hommus

So all in all things are good. I’m actually happy and life is good and hopefully things will keep getting better.

Still not too sure what I am doing with myself, and still not smiling as much as i would like to, but on the whole feeling better.

It’s warm, I’m going for a swim in the beach this afternoon and I can actually relax a little.

This month will be good for me, get myself back on track.

Today I booked my one way flight to Goa, India. I’ll spend a month there, getting healthy and happy again before returning to Australia.

I have had a phone interview for a job in Sydney, and I have another one tomorrow. I have a recruitment person who actually wants to find me a job so that’s been great.

I’m still fairly out of it, so I don’t feel too capable of making rational decisions at the moment, but this seems sound to me. I do feel like I am quitting and running away, but at the same time it’s silly to stay.

See you all in January

now, Im sitting at work, not wanting to be here and not doing any work at all.

I’m currently thinking of heading to India for a month and then moving back to Aus in January.

Just a matter of getting all my stuff back with me…. I have too many things here to be able to pack them all. Plus, I would want to buy a few things that are cheap here before I come back.

It started well – in India – but has gone downhill ever since.

I have started looking for other work. This job is adding to my depression because I don’t earn any money. I can’t stay working in a job that doesn’t pay me.

On top of that
- it’s getting cold here, and its going to get colder
- it’s really hard to be vegetarian here
- the internet only works half the time because the Gov’t blocks things as and when they feel like it
- there is a serious drinking culture here among the expats, and I have to be part of it to even try to be successful in my job
- Oh, and I don’t get paid for my work

I know its not all about the money – but it has to be a little bit. If I hadn’t done he last 3 years tax and got a nice refund I’d be on my last legs financially. There is no excuse for me to be struggling like that.

My partner (now former partner, who does not want his name mentioned on my blogs) has been a total pain in the arse about it all. I have been working as hard as I can, struggling a lot, and getting generally mentally unwell in the process and he has been carrying on as if I am not trying and putting even more pressure on me.
The plan was for me to earn loads of money and support both of us. I can barely support myself at the moment and he has no appreciation of how difficult it has been.

I’m not sure where that is going to go. I dont want it to be over, but I dont know how we can come back from this. When I say ‘this’ I mean the fact that he doesn’t believe that I am trying to make my job here work – we can’t work on anything if we can’t even agree on such a basic level.
Oh, just to add to my point, they told me that I could expect to earn between 30-50K Pounds – tax free. The best guy in our office who has been here over 3 years (so has very good networks set up) has only earned 27,000 Pounds. I can earn that (after tax) at home.

Today for the first time in a long time I found myself thinking about cutting. It shocked me. This week has been hard, i’ve been overtired, I drank a fair bit last week in Australia, I haven’t been sleeping well. And, just to point out how silly I am sometimes, I started to come off my medication, which, clearly, I am not ready to do yet.

I’m finding life really hard at the moment, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I feel isolated and alone. I feel trapped and I feel poor. I know that compared to loads of people I have a good life, but at the moment I can’t really stop crying.

I’m eating badly, not all the time. Its about half/half. I either eat really healthy meals, or really crap meals. Chinese vegetable noodles in soup, or a packet or chips. That kind of thing. Then I considered giving up being vegetarian, but the idea of that actually makes me feel worse.

I was exercising before my trip back to Australia, but it’s expensive. My yoga classes are expensive, gyms are expensive. I don’t cope well with being poor.So far, I have earned about $650, in the 2 months I have been here. There are all kinds of reasons (excuses) for this, including all the holidays in that time, and that there is ‘lead time’ to get established etc. None of it is much consolation at the moment.

Thats enough negative crazy out of me for now. I’ve gone back on my drugs, I’m considering doing some part time work on the side to earn some more cash to keep myself afloat.

I hate that I have gone back to being the self absorbed person from a few years ago. I’m meaner to people and I’d prefer to sit at home on my own than have to talk to anyone.

Something has to change.

Shanghai is an amazing city, there are around 20million people here. The city is fairly well set up, public transport is easy and cheap, taxi’s are also comparatively cheap and the city is fairly flat, so there are loads of bicycles and scooters around.

The metro (subway) is apparently the fastest growing public transportation system in the world. I catch a metro to work every day, most of the time it is fine, busy but not uncomfortable. People here have no idea how a queue works though, so it can be really funny getting on an off the metro. People start to get on before anyone has gotten off and it is always total chaos. I have decided that the day I get stressed about people pushing in front of me to get on a train or on an escalator is the day I need to leave. It would get too stressful here if you start to take yourself too seriously.

Work is going OK, I still have loads to learn but (since Im being optimistic) I’m confident I can do it. I have just over 2 weeks before I head home for Doug’s wedding then its only 6 more weeks of work before I get a month off for Christmas. I’m planning to spend Christmas in India with Dan. Just have to make some money in the mean time.  My office is good though, Im in a good team of people and there is loads of opportunity to make good money here.

I have found a yoga studio here and have started doing yoga again, I’m aiming for 3  times a week. It’s nice to get back into it. I have a cold at the moment which is making it hard, but I think it will be good.

Umm, what else. Oh, the home delivery thing. I really need to stop doing this, but you can get anything home delivered here. I really mean anything. Pizza, food from almost any restaurant, drinks, ice cream, mcDonalds, manicures, massages, If you had  the money and didnt have to work,you could get everything you need to your door.

That’s probably enough for now. I’m generally going well, but I need to get better at my job and eat healthier. Oh, the vegetarian thing. I write about that next time – its hard work here.