I’m not entirely sure the best way to write this, but here goes. I also want to apologise to those of you who feel squeamish at the mention of periods and what not, but this has to be said.

I have decided that my issues with depression were seriously fueled by taking the pill. For those of you who don’t know that pill I mean, the contraceptive pill.

Even though I have had no real reason to take it for years, I still always did, mainly because when you are used to having control about when you have your period it’s difficult to give up.

My problems with depression became severe when I started taking the needles, these are 3 month needles that stop you getting pregnant.  I was in a relationship at that point and so it was important to me. This was in early 2002.  During 2002, my final year of uni I had more so many problems. I didnt realise it was depression at the time, but anyone around me then will know I was not the same person. I was depressed. I put it down to being about to finish uni and having to face the real world, but really I was just depressed and generally not a good person to be around.

Then, deciding that having a needle every three months was a pain, I decided to get the 5 year implant in my arm. This is when things got worse. I finished my degree and tried to get excited about going to the US. I spent 5 months working in a ski resort. About a month in I was depressed and decided to have the implant removed. The rest of the trip was good, however I did start on the pill again towards the end of it.

Looking back, there is a direct link between when I was on and type of hormone altering contraceptive and my level of depression.

More recently, this year while I have been travelling, I totally gave up the pill. This year I have also managed to give up the antidepressants I was on for about 4 years and am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been.

There have been 2 mental health ‘crashes’ this year. One in Nepal, totally my own fault and I was totally aware that I was not well and needed to do something about it. And one short one in Thailand.

In Thailand I decided to go on the pill for a week or so because I wanted to swim in the beach when my period was due. This was a very bad move – I know now.

I became practically unresponsive. I couldn’t think, I wanted to sleep all the time, I had next to no interest in food (and I LOVE Thai food), I wouldn’t even notice when people (mainly Dan) were speaking to me, basically all of the symptoms of me at my worst, oh, apart from the preoccupation with my wrists, that didnt happen this time.

It took two days of taking the pill for all this to happen. I didn’t even notice, not really. If I had have been on my own i’m not sure I would have noticed. It was Dan who couldn’t figure out why I had had a ‘personality transplant’ I think he called it.

After 2 days off the tablets I began to behave like a human again, after a week I was fairly normal, after a month everything was good again. I think that part of this recovery time is undoing the damage and addictions caused while on the pill, eg, drinking coke, eating cheese pizzas. It takes a little while to recover from that.

So, if you have got this far ill get to the point. I recommend everyone stops taking the pill, even if only for 2 months to see if there is a difference, have someone else give you objective (if possible) feedback if you are different when not taking it. Also, see what it does to your weight and food consumption.

Likewise, if you are about to start, have someone around who you trust who can say to you “umm, you are being really unreasonable, maybe it is because you started on the pill” – of course this has to be someone who can say that without you screaming at them and someone who won’t take advantage.

So, that’s it. I’m going to go through the rest of my life not taking anything like that, there are other ways to not accidentally get pregnant and it’s not worth the damage it does to all other areas of my life.

Feel free to comment

I can’t remember the details any more, but after a conversation with Dan the other day I had a revelation about myself.

Basically, i discovered how amazingly self-absorbed I can be.

I’m not after people to say “Oh, no you’re not” or any of that crap, I’m just stating a fact.

Because I walk on such thin ice with my own mental health – and physical health for that matter – I put that above everyone and everything. If I am tired and need to sit or lay down, that is all that matters to me at that moment. If I am hungry, then getting myself food is all that matters to me. I completely lose sight of anyone else’s needs or feelings or whatever.

I’m not actually sure what to do with this knowledge, I have learned to be like that out of self-preservation and that is important, I guess, like everything, awareness is the first step. Maybe as I keep moving forward I can learn to be more considerate of others while looking after my needs.

So, sorry to all those people who I have hurt or neglected by this type of behaviour. I didn’t realise.

I should also give a special mention to Al – and a special apology – you probably copped it more that anyone else. So sorry, and thanks for putting up with my crap

So, for those of you who don’t already know, I have fallen off the mental health bandwagon over the last month or so.

I didn’t actually realise that it was as bad as it is, but now I do. That’s always the hardest bit, noticing the problem in the first place.

So now I’m in Thailand, unable to walk properly – thanks to a hungry crab or some kind of sea creature that thought my foot was food – and generally feeling tired and crap and overspent on this months budget.

On the budget topic, I generally allow $1000 per month, occasionally for special events, like bungee jumping or health retreats increasing the budget. This month I have spent over $1500 with two weeks still to go. It’s not a huge problem, but my own irresponsibility bugs me.

Now I need an action plan. I need to get my brain functioning again and I’d like to do it without going back on my medication – although I do know I can if things get to that point.

The main points are diet and exercise, they have always been the key to being healthy.

Commitments to myself:

1. Do the Tai-Chi form 3 times per day

2. Drink at least 2L of water per day

3. Have at least one piece of fruit per day

This is the aim for the next week, and I will add more to it after that.

I’m now DRUG FREE!!! Its been 5 days and I haven’t taken any anti-depressants.

I have been sleeping well and eating (sometimes) well.

Its great, I’m excited about the idea of being a healthy person.

Please don’t read this and think that I am saying medication is bad, far from it, I think its great and I am glad that I had it to help me through the years of my illness, but I don’t believe I need them long term so I am happy to be off them.

I was on medication since late 2004, its now August 2009 and I am looking forward to my life. My mentally stable, medication free life

I was in counselling for years, one of the recurring themes was that I needed to eat well and exercise. That advice bugged the shit out of me at the time, as if its that easy. But now, now that I am well, I’m going to try to eat well and exercise to avoid my life falling that far off the rails again.

Of course, I know that life isn’t going to always be easy & that I won’t always be happy. Everything always changes, I think I am better able to adapt now.

Ok, I have cleaned my bedroom, the bathroom, & the kitchen (including clearing out the fridge). Now I have the lounge room and my ‘office’ to go.

I have to say, I like it so far. Things are neat, my clothes are clean. It does look better.

I think its motivating too. I have got so much more done in the past few days. I think I am sleeping better which means when I wake up (earlier than usual) I just start doing things that need to be done instead of wasting time until things HAVE to be done that instant.

Apart from wimping out and not writing my letter to the property committee about being locked out  of part of the building for kids club, I am actually organised for kids club more than an hour before it starts. That is close to a first.

I think I might be able to get used to being organised and tidy. Oh, and for good measure I have started to take hayfever tablets to stop me getting more sick.

After developing yet another swollen red throat and blocked sinuses, my support group last night told me that I’m not doing everything I can to be healthy because my house is such a mess.

Its sounds strange, but I hadn’t really thought that a messy house could cause health issues, but apparently breathing in too much dust could be causing my constant sickness.

So today, after teaching scripture, sleeping a lot (to recover from not sleeping last night) & checking the result updates from the US election, I started to clean my house. I started in my bedroom, it is where I spend most of my time when I am at home. There is now nothing on the floor at all, I will wash all of my clothes over the next few days and put them into the wardrobe and develop a system to keep them off the floor.

Tomorrow I’m going to attack the kitchen and the bathroom, both of which have not been cleaned in a while.

I don’t like cleaning, but I really hate being sick. Its worth a try at least – maybe I will even like it

I have signed myself up for the Mind Body Blitz at the yoga studio that I go to.

It means that I am comitting to doing yoga 6 days a week for the next 6 weeks.

4 of these will be at the yoga studio, doing classes and 2 at home.

I think it will be good for me, im excited about it.

Im so sick of being sick, yoga seems like a good way to look after my bodyto avoid getting sick as much.

I have now officially been sick for over a week. I still feel like crap.

Actually, I think I feel as bad as when I had pneumonia. Im taking short shallow breathes, I cough all the time, Im finding it hard to eat etc.

I actually coughed so much the other day that I threw up. I dont remember that ever happening before.

Because I do feel so crap I am actually taking this seriously and Im not trying to do much. I haven’t been out of my bed for more than an hour and a half at a time. Im not even watching many DVD’s, I dont have the energy. I have just been having morning and afternoon naps and then sleeping all night.

What a facinating life I have. Tomorrow was meant to be my race

I have bought 2 thermometers in the past few days, both were broken before they could even tell me my temperature.

I know its wrong to see conspiracies where there arent any, but if I were a more paranoid person that would be too much.

I just want to know if I still have a fever. I want to be able to check it when I wake up at 4am dripping in sweat.

That doesnt seem like much to ask really.

I have this image of who I want to be. I thought I was almost there. Young, Free, Healthy, able to go anywhere and do anything, choosing to do things that are meaningful,

But then, there is reality. Here we are, I’m back on Antibiotics, I have yet another chest infection, on Friday I had a temperature of 39.6 C.

It makes me quite sad. At this point I cant even look after myself let alone help the world be a better place. So then it makes me wonder what is the point?

I cant figure out why I keep getting sick. In terms of lifestyle, I should be fine. I’m not very stressed, I eat fairly well most of the time, I exercise (when I am not sick), I don’t drink much alcohol, I don’t smoke, I don’t take any drugs that aren’t prescribed for me. So I just don’t get it.

Yes, I’m winging about it. Wouldn’t you be? Every 6 to 8 weeks I am sick again. It makes me even more unreliable than just the depression, and that level of unreliability was too much for me to cope with.I feel bad for everyone who has to rely on me, my church especially because they pay me and i’m always sick.

I really wanted to go in that triathlon next weekend – now I can’t even get myself lunch.

This is not how I pictured my life.