Filed under: family
I actually think my family is starting to get me.
Its my birthday today, they got me a Goat from World VIsion. Im impressed. I think they are starting to get it.
Filed under: family
My little sister got into Uni. Im really happy about it. Of course, I had to explain HECS to her and go through heaps of the info with her because she didnt really get it. But it was great, I can actually be helpful with this kind of thing. I think it will be great for her, she is going to live on campus it will be sooo good for her. She will meet people her own age and do things that 19 year olds tend to do. Im excited for her. Its great.
My little brother came and helped me move today. It was really good to see him and spend some time with him. My family had flipped out a bit the other day because they found out he is in debt. It sucks that he is in debt, but not too many 22 year olds arent these days. Credit is so easy to get that its not at all surprising that he has taken advantage of it. He is doing alright though, he is paying it back above the minimum repayment. Its not really the end of the world.
My older brother, the one that I usually dont worry about at all is the one that Im struggling with at the moment. I knew he was taking E from time to time, that actually doesnt bother me too much as long as he dosent become dependant. Meaning as long as he can still enjoy himself and go out with friends without it. The part that worries me is that he apparently taking cocaine sometimes too. Why? I dont get it. He has never been the drug taking type before. Its part of the reason that I dont like they Sydney lifestyle, everyone is overworked so they party too hard. I dont even know if I can say or do anything, its his life and he is old enough to know the risks and consequences of his actions.
Well, Its decided. I am doing a quick trip to Lithgow over the holidays.
Im not sure how its going to go. I am looking forward to seeing my cousins and my nan. There are just parts of my family that are really hard work to be around, and especially after the fiasco with mums birthday weekend. I dont know if I am ready to face them, its going to take a lot of energy to be civil.
Really, I should only be in the same place for a few hours. I think I can handle that. The problem will occur when Warren decides to start a conversation about Muslims. Im not going to say anything except ‘I would really appreciate it if we dont talk about this’ They can be as horrible as they want so long as I am not part of the conversation. Its embarrassing to me that they are my family and thats what they think, but I cant do anything about it.
It will be good to see some of my family though. I do tend to cut them all off when I dont really need to. The worst part is that I dont even have any valium left. My anxiety levels have already risen dramatically, its only going to get worse.
Filed under: family
It was my Mums 50th birthday on the weekend. She was in Wollongong for the weekend. She decided not to tell me she was coming to Wollongong and didnt see me or talk to me the whole time she was here. I was away for part of the weekend, I didnt want to ‘crash’ her conference, but it would have been nice to at least be able to say Happy Birthday on the phone.
I dont know how to feel about this. I am upset about it and am feeling a bit rejected. Her husband and I dont get along well, I dont trust him. I worry about the influence he has over her, I cant even trust that it was her decision not to talk to me or see me – it was probably him.
She is sick, and he looks after her. I just dont actually know if she is as sick as he makes her feel. I think he likes the control. Her MS can affect her ability to concentrate and think properly. That combined with a controlling husband means that she will never think for herself again, even if she is capable of it.
I dont know what to do about it. There is nothing I can do about it. If she wants to choose to cut me out of her life then I cant do anything.
My life is a bit chaotic at the moment. I have heaps of free time, but I am quite busy the rest of the time. I am double booked for a number days and meetings. I feel like I have started a job that I dont even have yet (but that was always going to happen because I would do this job for free if I had another source of income)
I am still not stable with my living environment. I think that I am going to try living alone. I have never done it before, and as I am an introvert (not to be confused with being shy) I think that it might be good for me.
I think I want to live somewhere where I control the entire environment. This way there will be no TV, no sugar or junk foods. I will have to learn to clean up a whole house (or apartment). I think it would be a good experiment.
Anyway, I think I am going to get out of going to visit my family at Christmas. I will be able to say that I have to work. Its quite a relief really but I will miss seeing my cousins who I actually like and get along with. If I am ever a mother I hope I am not seen by my children as even half as crazy as I see my mum.
Its going to be a busy couple of months, I have to start work, move house, go to Dubbo for the rest of Christology, arrange stuff for mums 50th birthday, deal with Christmas, try to get people to go to summer camp, and still wait for my toe to heal and my cough to get better.
So here are some of the things that have been going through my head lately:
1. There are two jobs I am applying for in the Uniting Church. I would be happy doing either and I think I am quite capable to do either. I have heaps to learn, no matter which one I end up getting (assuming I get one). Its an exciting time for me, I love this church and I am really looking forward to working for it.
2. I have been thinking about Christian guilt. No, I dont mean Catholic guilt – although it is along the same lines, I do not think it is fair to restrict this guilt to only Catholic people. Why is there a need to demonstrate Gods love through the death of Jesus, cant we find better and more productive ways of explaining, demonstrating and helping people experience Gods love than to simply say “God loves us so much he sent his son to die for us”. Yes, part of this comes out of me starting to teach scripture again, but really, where is the need. Love is central to Christianity, dont we have any better (or at least other) arguments on this topic?
3. Riding a motorbike and having a broken toe at the same time is kind of painful.
4. If you eat too much pineapple, it makes you’re tongue feel funny and tingly.
5. Im not sure I want to candidate any more, there are a number of respected people in the church that are not ordained. Becoming a candidate because it means there is more job security is not a good enough reason for me. I honestly think that I can work for God, do good things in this church without taking 6 years to let people shape my thinking to become too much part of the institution. Not that I have anything specific against the process, just that I dont think I am ‘called’ (yes, I hate that word) to be just another minister telling people the things that are easy for them to hear. I want to be informed, educated and able to make decisions for myself, I want to know enough about what is going on in the church that I can translate it into the way normal people talk. I want to have a foot on either side and still be respected by both groups (in this context I am talking about regular church goers, including the councils, presbyteries and synod vs. the average person who only steps into a church for a wedding or a funeral.)
6. Even though I really hated it when doctors and counsellors told me that the key to depression is eating well and exercising, They are right. I feel much better, think better and act better when I am exercising a lot and eating well.
7. At what point is it OK to cut off your family? The stress of dealing with my Mum and her husband is more than I am willing to take on. I already dont speak with my Father, does it cause massive issues if I avoid my mum too? The sad part is that I dont have a problem with her, its her husband – mainly. When does self-preservation take the priority?
Filed under: family
My time away in New Zealand has had a huge positive effect on my life. I am happier and less stressed. As a result of this I had forgotten how painful it is to deal with my family, specifically my Mum and her husband.
I was at their place for less than 1.5 hrs on Friday on my way to Dubbo. In that time, instead of having conversations about anything constructive we managed to get into a conversation about how evil Muslim people will kill off Australians as soon as there are enough of them. It made me so mad! I personally dont have a problem with Muslim people, and I certainly do not agree with Warren that they should all be killed or deported, I dont live in fear of them.
The worst part for me is that I cant even talk sense into my family about this. Warren refuses to let anyone have an opinion that is not his, so the ‘conversation’ is really him trying to tell me that he is right and I should agree. Im not allowed to make any counter arguments or have any rational thought (Im a young woman you see). I really cant stand it. How can anyone function in an environment like that. It makes me mad and sad, stressed and anxious. I wish I didnt have to deal with them.
Filed under: God, afl, anxiety, church, family, life, reflection, travel
Its been a crazy few days. Yesterday I went to Sydney to say goodbye to my family. It was OK, no fights and I managed to have a conversation with my Mums husband without getting into an argument. It was good.
Today I watch the Swans play. We won! It was raining the whole game and quite cold but im glad that I went.
Tonight was my last night in Church. Its a bit weird since I dont know how long I will be gone for. Sarah’s sermon was really good. About simplicity and small things. I really liked it. Im the big gesture type, for example, I need to change my life so I am moving to another country. It made me think about all the small stuff I never bother with that would actually make a difference to my life and to the communities that I am involved in.
It has motivated me to find the time to do the things I never bother with.Things like praying, reading, yoga, stretching, breathing exercises (I dont breathe properly and it helps to make the anxiety issue bigger). Also things like cooking and cleaning.
Maybe I dont need to travel the world to be able to understand my place in it. Maybe I can do things on a smaller scale and it will be all good. I still think I need a year to straighten my mind out, I just dont need to be doing expensive or elaborate things during this year.
Today has been a pretty good day.
I got my new camera. Its great.
I got my hair coloured, im more blonde now. I also got it straightened, it looks great so I am going to buy a straightener. My hairdresser nearly fell over when she found out that I dont even own a hair dryer.
Then tonight we went out for dinner with the Chillout youth group. They organised the dinner and it was really good to hang out and chat with them. Plus it gave me an excuse to take photos with my new camera.
Tomorrow I have to go to Sydney for a Family thing. My brother is going to Europe for a few weeks so this is to make mum happy and get us all together. Its Ok though, I will get to show off my new camera and see my Nan.
I ordered my new camera today. Its a Canon digital SLR. Its going to be great.
My camera at the moment is the type that takes film – yes, remember the days of film 
This is going to be a big step up. I cant wait. Especially since I will be in such a beautiful area of the world.
Im going to start to work out which clothes I am going to take tomorrow. I have to find a way to take the stuff I want and keep my baggage to 20kg. Im flying with Virgin Blue so I dont imagine that they are very lenient with their baggage allowances.
On Saturday I am going up to Sydney for lunch because my brother is going to Europe for 5 weeks so my Mum wants us to all get together to see him off. he leaves at 10pm, so we are doing the pre-airport farewell thing. Its a bit crazy, but most things involving my family are. It will be good to see my nan, I haven’t seen her in a while. She is convinced that I will go to New Zealand and fall in love – she is also convinced that a woman cannot be happy without a man, so she thinks that finding some guy will solve all my problems.
