So, for those of you who don’t already know, I have fallen off the mental health bandwagon over the last month or so.
I didn’t actually realise that it was as bad as it is, but now I do. That’s always the hardest bit, noticing the problem in the first place.
So now I’m in Thailand, unable to walk properly – thanks to a hungry crab or some kind of sea creature that thought my foot was food – and generally feeling tired and crap and overspent on this months budget.
On the budget topic, I generally allow $1000 per month, occasionally for special events, like bungee jumping or health retreats increasing the budget. This month I have spent over $1500 with two weeks still to go. It’s not a huge problem, but my own irresponsibility bugs me.
Now I need an action plan. I need to get my brain functioning again and I’d like to do it without going back on my medication – although I do know I can if things get to that point.
The main points are diet and exercise, they have always been the key to being healthy.
Commitments to myself:
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Do the Tai-Chi form 3 times per day
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Drink at least 2L of water per day
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Have at least one piece of fruit per day
This is the aim for the next week, and I will add more to it after that.
I’m now DRUG FREE!!! Its been 5 days and I haven’t taken any anti-depressants.
I have been sleeping well and eating (sometimes) well.
Its great, I’m excited about the idea of being a healthy person.
Please don’t read this and think that I am saying medication is bad, far from it, I think its great and I am glad that I had it to help me through the years of my illness, but I don’t believe I need them long term so I am happy to be off them.
I was on medication since late 2004, its now August 2009 and I am looking forward to my life. My mentally stable, medication free life 
I was in counselling for years, one of the recurring themes was that I needed to eat well and exercise. That advice bugged the shit out of me at the time, as if its that easy. But now, now that I am well, I’m going to try to eat well and exercise to avoid my life falling that far off the rails again.
Of course, I know that life isn’t going to always be easy & that I won’t always be happy. Everything always changes, I think I am better able to adapt now.
I have been thinking a lot about next year. My job finishes in January and my plan is to go overseas.
I keep changing my mind, a few months ago I thought South America then Canada. Now I am thinking of applying for a People in Mission placement in the pacific, looks like Fiji or Kiribati (pronounced kiri-bass).
Im half way through the application form, and it seems like a good idea. The only issue I see in terms of being ‘accepted’ into the program is if they freak out about the depression stuff. For me, it doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, I am going to have to be aware of my mental state and how things are affecting me. For them, I might be seen as too high risk.
Im almost ashamed to admit this, but the main reason I am hesitating is that spending 9 months or so in a placement is almost like committing to stay single for another 9 months. Im 26 now, Im not sure I like the idea of staying single all the way through my 20’s. (for those of you who don’t know I broke up with Matt when I was 20, well, a few days before I turned 21). It seems so selfish.
I am going to apply, its just all a bit scary .
I have this image of who I want to be. I thought I was almost there. Young, Free, Healthy, able to go anywhere and do anything, choosing to do things that are meaningful,
But then, there is reality. Here we are, I’m back on Antibiotics, I have yet another chest infection, on Friday I had a temperature of 39.6 C.
It makes me quite sad. At this point I cant even look after myself let alone help the world be a better place. So then it makes me wonder what is the point?
I cant figure out why I keep getting sick. In terms of lifestyle, I should be fine. I’m not very stressed, I eat fairly well most of the time, I exercise (when I am not sick), I don’t drink much alcohol, I don’t smoke, I don’t take any drugs that aren’t prescribed for me. So I just don’t get it.
Yes, I’m winging about it. Wouldn’t you be? Every 6 to 8 weeks I am sick again. It makes me even more unreliable than just the depression, and that level of unreliability was too much for me to cope with.I feel bad for everyone who has to rely on me, my church especially because they pay me and i’m always sick.
I really wanted to go in that triathlon next weekend – now I can’t even get myself lunch.
This is not how I pictured my life.
Well, I am completely exhausted.
I have been running around a lot trying to make sure that things are all good for me to go away for 4 weeks.
I think that most work stuff is covered. I still need someone to cover scripture on Tuesdays, and someone to hang out with Lauren maybe, apart from that I think it is ok. Its not as good as I had wanted to make it, I had been hoping to modularise everything for kids club to make it easier for everyone, but I didnt get that far. I do have the bible story for each week though.
As for actual holiday plans, They are almost done too. I just need to find a way to get from Århus to Paris. It looks like I will have a weekend in Paris which is a nice suprise. That had not occurred to me until today, I have to arrive at Taize on a Sunday, so it makes sense to spend a couple of days in Paris before going there.
My energy levels aren’t coping with the increased activity. I feel like I haven’t stopped for about a week and its showing. I have forgotten to eat two days in a row. Thats something I need to work on.
Thats probably enough for one post. At some point I am going to have to blog about my run-in with the scripture teachers at the scripture teachers meeting. I have decided that I dont have a problem with conservative christians, I just have a problem with them pushing their view on everyone else. There is no space for differing opinions or beliefs with those people. I find it hard to deal with. I guess what I am saying is believe what you want, but dont expect me to believe it too.
For those of you who havent already figured it out, im crashing at the moment.
A few days ago I thought that I could pull myself back by now, actually, I thought I would be OK by wednesday. but im not and I dont know what caused this. Usually I know what causes these kind of crashes.
All the crap weather hasnt helped, but its not just that, even on the nicer days I havent been feeling like myself.
Im not sure how to get myself back. It feels so selfish to have to spend so much time working on my mental health, but then if I dont I cant be useful to anyone. I dont know how to do it.
Having things go wrong that shouldnt doesnt help. My car is a bit broken, my internet was broken, my phone was causing problems, and I need to clean my kitchen so that I can start to eat again. (I have been eating, just not all that well)
Anyway, just thought I would let you all know. Not that I even know who ‘you’ are.
I love being healthy. I love having energy, I love being able to think, I love being able to concentrate.
Its fantastic.
In the last week or so I have discovered that I really like cooking and eating great food. I have been putting effort into what I am making and taking the time to enjoy eating it.
My running is going fairly well too, Im still on the treadmill (and all the rain isnt helping me to be able to run outside) but Im running for about 35 mins and doing just under 5kms at the moment.
While all this extra stuff is taking up a fair bit of time, I actually feel like I am getting more work done, mainly because I can think clearly and concentrate. I feel like a lot of what I do happens inside my own head, thinking of NCYC fundraising and ways to encourage others to come to NCYC, thinking about themes for kidzown and what we could do to make it work. Sometimes it seems a bit silly, to be thinking through all this stuff, but its important that I know why we are doing the things that we are doing, and why we aren’t doing some of the things we dont do. Because of the type of person I am I make spreadsheets about everything, it helps me remember where we are up to and what else needs to happen.
Anyway, my newest tip – dont bother with lettuce. Instead, have baby spinach. My guess is that everything that you could want to put lettuce with would be better with baby spinach and it makes it heaps healthier. I have been reading up on nutrition and sources of vitamins and minerals, its fascinating. Most of us dont eat enough fruit and veg, especially leafy greens.
I dint feel like I have much in my life at the moment to help me release stress. Lat night I did it the way I used to a few years ago. Well almost, I left out the self destructive parts.
I decided to get really drunk. It was good. I went to cooneys and ran into some people who used to be friends and who dont live here any more. One of them kissed me, I had forgetten what it feels like to be desirable. Its stupid that something so trivial could make me feel better.
Then the guys i knew went home and I was with some of their friends. We tried to get into a different club and couldnt because it was too late. Then I managed to start a fight with the security people and yelled at them and even said something along the lines of “either let it go or break it” to a security guy that had grabbed my arm. I like yelling at people, it makes me feel better.
The guys I was with werent impressed because it is actually them that would get hurt by the security guards, some shit about them not being able to hurt me because Im a chick. Its stupid, if I start the fight im the one that should get injured. Then I was rude to some random guy who wanted a smoke and almost caused a big fight. Of course I wasnt allowed to participate. Stupid rules of society.
This morning I woke up feeling really bad, thinking that maybe I am actually allergic to alcohol because i was so hungover. Thinking it was a bad idea to drink so much. But now, now that my body doesnt feel quite like it has been run over my a train, it still bad just not that bad, now I think it was a good idea. I had been looking for people to yell at for weeks. I was trying to tell people off in coles, I called optus and telstra to yell at them. I feel better now, its out of my system.
Before you all panic too much. I have arranged to see my counselor again. Seems like I actually need it now.
Filed under: depression
I cant even blog because people get offended.
I cant say what I think because people cant cope.
I cant cope and I have no outlet.
Its been a while since I have been this withdrawn, probably 12 months actually. Now I have spiders in my car so I cant even leave my house.
Today I thought that I was getting on top of things. I was thinking clearly for part of the day and now im trapped in my house.
The problem is that when things are not going well I realise how screwed I really am. Its the rest of the year thats fake, not this. All these people that pretend to care while things are all well and good. All these people that ask me if im OK when they know Im not and are pleased with themselves for at least asking. Its all a load of crap. Im on my own – I need to work out a support system.
I dont blame them, people have their own lives to think about.
I knew this was going to be a rough little while but I didnt do anything to prepare for it. I just figured that I would pull myself through like I always do. That will happen. I will pick back up, I just dont even know if I want my life back. Whats real and whats not, I dont know. Whats valuable and whats not I dont know that either. What I do know is that I am sick, and want someone else to pick me up instead of having to do it myself. But I know, never going to happen. My life, My problem.
Ok, So I am crashing and burning at the moment.
It started because I was getting a bit of a cold. Every time it becomes a struggle to know what is real and what isnt. My body and my brain fight and of course I end up being the loser.
The problem with getting physically sick is that I cant tell if I really am physically sick or if my brain is just tricking me. Then, from that point on, I have to keep assessing which is it, an actual illness or a mental illness. (not meaning that mental isnt actual, just not physical). Last year I got it so wrong that I thought my pneumonia was in my head. I knew I had a cough, I knew it didnt sound good. But I can convince myself I am sick all the time, at any time. I had no idea I actually was sick.
This time I am trying to be careful because I dont want to get pneumonia again. But I dont know how sick I am. I dont even know if I am sick.
When it is all in my head I can generally tell myself to get over it and pick myself back up off the floor. Pull it together, get some exercise, breathe properly, get through it. But that doesnt work with a physical illness, I cant convince myself to just be over a cold. It doesnt work like that. I went to the gym on monday, thinking I could just pull myself together and fix it all. I nearly passed out in the class. The instructor was quite worried about me – but still, I dont know what caused the dizziness, I had been exercising for about 45mins at the time and I was pale. My cheeks were red from the exercise, but I was pale. I just dont know.
Part of what adds to my depression is housework. I cant stand it, I hate cleaning and as a result my house is a complete disaster. I have been buying food that I can eat from the container. I dont even remember the last time I washed up. Washing my clothes Im not too bad at, the rest of it. I cant stand it. Im thinking that I need to hire someone. Yep, it will be expensive, but it has to be good for my mental health – and probably good for my diet because I will be able to use my kitchen.
I know that this is a lot of winging and whining. I dont like crashing, I dont like all the crap things that float through my head when I’m not doing well, I dont like being this person. But its all part of who I am. Sometimes Im good, sometimes I can handle my own life. Sometimes I just cant.
