I was at School of Discipleship in Canberra over the weekend.
It was really good, interesting, challenging, with new people to meet and get to know.
Ched Myers was the main speaker, if was fascinating. He was talking about an entirely different way to live and a different way to view and participate in our economic system.
Mostly, I was impressed that every thing he said he backed up with the new and old testament. Everything he said about the new testament was taking into account what the old testament said too. I really think that I need to spend more time looking at and understanding the old testament.
Most of the ‘different way to live’ stuff was stuff that I had been thinking about already, I just like that he managed to tie it all in with Faith. I am now more convinced that going vego is the right thing to do and that buying local organic produce is the right thing to do.
The more I have processed it, the more I think that I need to lay aside my own goals and actually set my goals to make the world a better place. I think that there is still room in that for me to be happy and healthy and have some fun.
Im even more convinced that going to Thailand is a good choice. I think that some time with people who are not as privileged as me will be helpful, it will help me to look at my life from a better perspective. At the moment I struggle because I compare myself to both my church friends and my non-church friends, it meants that I cant actually attain either standard. I cant be good at both. I cant have the investments and financial security and live out my faith. I guess that is the thing, compared to 90% (ish) of the worlds population I am quite secure, I know that the chance of me ever going hungry is pretty low. That is going to have to be enough for me, if I dont own a helicopter or a yacht then that is OK. If I dont own a home or a good car, then that is OK. If I cant go on as many holidays as I am used to then that is OK too.
I think actually spending some time with actually poor people will help to give me the perspective that I need to be able to do this without feeling gypped.
Other thoughts on SoD. I struggled a bit with some of the organisers. I felt like we were being treated like a group of children, or more accuratly a herd of cattle. We were constantly being told where to be and being moved around. I didnt like it and so rebeled, maybe not the most mature option, i know that, but I didnt realise that until too late. Its just a shame that people running something like this feel as though they cant trust a group of adults to behave like adults.
Anyway, I had fun and was challenged and have a lot more thinking to do. Especially around economics and what messages I want to send around the global economy (through purchases, choosing not to purchase, earnings, choosing not to earn etc)
So here are some of the things that have been going through my head lately:
1. There are two jobs I am applying for in the Uniting Church. I would be happy doing either and I think I am quite capable to do either. I have heaps to learn, no matter which one I end up getting (assuming I get one). Its an exciting time for me, I love this church and I am really looking forward to working for it.
2. I have been thinking about Christian guilt. No, I dont mean Catholic guilt – although it is along the same lines, I do not think it is fair to restrict this guilt to only Catholic people. Why is there a need to demonstrate Gods love through the death of Jesus, cant we find better and more productive ways of explaining, demonstrating and helping people experience Gods love than to simply say “God loves us so much he sent his son to die for us”. Yes, part of this comes out of me starting to teach scripture again, but really, where is the need. Love is central to Christianity, dont we have any better (or at least other) arguments on this topic?
3. Riding a motorbike and having a broken toe at the same time is kind of painful.
4. If you eat too much pineapple, it makes you’re tongue feel funny and tingly.
5. Im not sure I want to candidate any more, there are a number of respected people in the church that are not ordained. Becoming a candidate because it means there is more job security is not a good enough reason for me. I honestly think that I can work for God, do good things in this church without taking 6 years to let people shape my thinking to become too much part of the institution. Not that I have anything specific against the process, just that I dont think I am ‘called’ (yes, I hate that word) to be just another minister telling people the things that are easy for them to hear. I want to be informed, educated and able to make decisions for myself, I want to know enough about what is going on in the church that I can translate it into the way normal people talk. I want to have a foot on either side and still be respected by both groups (in this context I am talking about regular church goers, including the councils, presbyteries and synod vs. the average person who only steps into a church for a wedding or a funeral.)
6. Even though I really hated it when doctors and counsellors told me that the key to depression is eating well and exercising, They are right. I feel much better, think better and act better when I am exercising a lot and eating well.
7. At what point is it OK to cut off your family? The stress of dealing with my Mum and her husband is more than I am willing to take on. I already dont speak with my Father, does it cause massive issues if I avoid my mum too? The sad part is that I dont have a problem with her, its her husband – mainly. When does self-preservation take the priority?
I had intended to go to my POD blog today and look up my learning goals that I had set and change them to reflect where I am at now.
The goals are all still fairly good. I have actually addressed a whole lot of them.
I have been journaling this whole time, but not online. I am going to go back and pull bits out of the written journals to put up here so that it is an accurate reflection of what has been going on this year.
The main thing that has happened is that I have let go of all the ‘other’ things I wanted for my life. The main ones were my job/corporate career and travelling the world. I have accepted that these are not things that I am living my life for. I might get to travel as time goes on, but im not going to make it a priority for my life. I have left my job with BlueScope. I was finding that very hard to do, but then I got pneumonia and had 6 weeks in bed away from work. It was much easier to leave after that, I was already detached.
I have been in New Zealand on a break from life. I decided that I had to learn to live without having my life full and busy to keep me distracted. This trip has been really good for me as I have learned to just be happy with where I am and who I am. I have had no responsibility and no one to look after but myself, this was a daunting thought to start with as it is situations like this I usually struggle with depression. I feel the best I ever have in my life. I have been deliberately spending more time with God and as I result I feel much more confident that I am heading the right way.
My generally health and fitness is another part of this trip. I am eating better than I ever have before and exercising almost every day. I feel strong enough to face the rest of my life and to do it well.
I have read almost the entire New Testament over the past few weeks. I had not read most of it before and it was quite interesting for me, I am motivated to be part of a bible study group when I get back to Wollongong.
So I feel like I am heading to the same place that I was in February, but now I am more sure of it as the right thing to do and I have accepted that there are things I have to give up, but thats OK.
Filed under: God, POD, call, health, life, reflection, understanding
Since I have been here I have been making a conscious effort to spend more time in prayer /more time with God.
Its working out quite well for me, im starting to feel like there is some direction/point to all this now. Its good.
I have decided that part of my problem is that I was trying to live too many lives at once because I had not made a full decision about the path to take. I was trying to live the corporate live, working full time and travelling for work, looking at buying houses etc. And I was trying to live a full church life too, youth group, church, church council, council of synod, ncyc, etc. And I was trying to fit in some other stuff like going to the gym and the footy and doing oxfam stuff and fair trade stuff.
Its just all too much, especially because I wasnt doing it in a balanced way.
Anyway, the point is that I have been thinking over and over about what to do with my life. I wrote a post about this the other day. I was praying and I came to the conclusion that none of it matters anyway. I want to travel, I want to learn languages, I want to earn money and have cool things, none of that matters. I ended up at a kind of trade off, I decided the things that I actually really want for my life and scrap the rest.
What is comes down to is that I want to be happy, not all the time but at least for parts of my life. I want a real relationship at some point. I want to be healthy, this wasnt a ‘make me healthy’ type of prayer it was more like a ‘im going to keep trying to be healthy anyway because I cant do anything useful while I am sick all the time’.
So now I dont care what God wants me to do, I can do it. I dont have these other ideas of what I should do any more. I was a bit worried that this mindset would last for 24 hours and then id be looking up where else I can go snowboarding, but its been a few days and I still feel really good about it. I have even arranged to go to the National Youth Worker Inservice in a couple of weeks on the Sunshine Coast.
The plan is to just carry on living, doing what I feel God wants me to and assume that along the way I will find happiness and love. I know that this should scare me, but Im just feeling quite relaxed about it all.
I am feeling a bit more positive this morning. I think the antibiotics the doctor gave me are helping (I went yesterday arvo).
Having all this time to sit around makes me think about what I am going to do after the ski season. I have quite a few options and I am having a really hard time knowing what to do. The ones that involve travel seem great, like go to Canada or Spain or Scotland for their ski season then work in the UK. There is something about those options that I cant handle, I think its that is just too selfish. I want to be contributing to the world and while travelling means I know and understand more its not really helping anyone.
I was also thinking about why I decided earlier this year I wanted to go into ministry. I think its because I see that as a way to be doing helpful, meaningful work. I just cant handle the idea of studying for another 6 years or so, not at this point anyway.
So todays theory on what I want to do (and this is one I come back to quite often) is that I want to end up doing refugee advocacy. Maybe start with doind part time youth work and part time helping at the House of Welcome and visiting people at Villawood detention centre (and finding something in Wollongong that would be helpful for refugees too, like SCARF). Then as I go along I would be able to be more and more helpful. I think that is the way to go, it means I wont be moving to the UK at all, but I can still visit at some point.
I have also been thinking that I want to get healthy enough to be able to teach aerobics classes, it would be a good way to have a second income and it would force me to stay fit and healthy. The trick is that I have to get fit and healthy enough first.
I think I could be happy with a life like that. Now I just have to find a way to make it happen, that can wait till I finish my holiday I think.
I should be finishing work at the end on March. Thats not looking all that likely, too much to do and not enough time.
Im also worried about not having enough to do. I cant be just a student, its not enough for me. Not just in terms of money, but I need to have enough things to do every day. I want to work for the Church, but things take a little while in the church.
So I am probably going to keep working 3 days a week into April. I should be able to stop flying to Mornington for work every week soon. I thought is was going to stop next week, but I still need to be here Thursday and Friday. The worst part is that I can’t stop myself from caring about the work, im not all that interested and it really does not matter in the bigger picture of my life, but I still want to get things done and get them done well.
Today I didnt do much work at all. I really hate unproductive days, but I did remember to send some emails about Easter Camp and started looking into hiring a bus. Hopefully I will get more done tomorrow.
Things are just that bit too busy at the moment, its the flying to Victoria that is the finishing touch.
Well, I guess the only thing to do is keep going, try to find the time and energy to do the things that I want to do.
I started Uni this week at UTC (United Theological College) Paramatta. It was interesting, I haven’t really done subjects before that I have actually found interesting. Im quite looking forward to this semester.
I had been quite excited because I thought I had a plan worked out. I wanted to do my POD this year then become a Candidate for next year. Apparently the church is much much slower than that, there is little to no chance that I will be accepted as a candidate for next year, I would have to wait till the year after. To begin with I was annoyed, I thought that there should be a way to make this all happen faster.
Then I started thinking about it. Im not doing this just to become a Minister. That is kind of a by-product anyway. What I am actually attempting to achieve is having my time available for use for Church stuff. I decided to walk away from money, and am still working on that, so the intent of the next few years isn’t to set myself up to be financially stable again, but rather to gain skills and experience in ministry and working with people. Just thinking, its not all about what I gain either, its more about satisfying what I think God wants me to be doing. And I can’t do that in halves.
So the new plan is to not think too far into the future. Focus on studying this year and do what I can to get some kind of work in the Church as soon as possible. My last day of work is going to be March 30, but if I don’t have something else lined up I may extend that. From a financial perspective it is better for me to stay with BlueScope as long as possible, and definitely better if I can stay till June 30. However, while I am trying to live two lives at once I am going to struggle with both, its quite risky for my health and for my personal growth and development.
At Church we did a reflective service on Isiah 6:1-13. Focusing on the concept of ‘call’
There were some questions to think about, so here are my answers to some of them …
How do you hear God?
I don’t ‘hear’ God as an audible voice, i think its more of a general sense or feeling.
I think the persistence is what I notice the most, things that I think God is telling me are generally things that just seem right & i have to find or look for reasons that is wrong.
Things that are just my thoughts have the opposite feeling, I have to convince myself that it is the best option.
I guess that I automatically know whats right or what needs to happen, then I actively try to convince myself that it is wrong. I can’t win though, God gets what God wants.
What do you understand ‘call’ to mean?
I hate the term ‘call’ its so churchie, too institutionalised.
For me, I guess Call is God giving you direction or purpose.
For some people this is optional. For me this is something I can’t ignore. This isn’t a take it or leave it type of thing.
Have you felt/do you feel called from God?
I feel like I need to learn more and I need to give up my ‘old’ life. I need to align what I want with what God wants. At the moment this is a huge thing. I am giving up heaps of money and I am giving up the security that goes with money.
I have told my work that I will be leaving to look into ministry options.
They took it really well, I was quite surprised. They don’t want me to leave, and have asked me if there is a way to ‘inventivise‘ me to stay (which is nice, makes me feel wanted). But they haven’t pushed the matter or tried to make this decision harder than it already is.
Having said that, I am feeling generally positive about the whole thing now.
Most people have been really supportive (except of course, my mum).
It was good to be at Church on Sunday night. People were really encouraging, which is something I really needed.
My old boss called me today and said that he thought it was great and that most people never have the guts to do what they really want to do.
My Aunty emailed me and congratulated me.
Overall, I am currently feeling quite encouraged and positive.
I am going to keep working full time to the end of Feb, then go part time to the end of March. I guess I can see how things are going from there, but I would like to cut BlueScope off at that point. Its OK to drag it out a bit, but I need to make sure this year is focused.
We had a youth leaders retreat at Gerroa on the weekend. We went to Gerringong UC on the Sunday morning.
They had a banner saying
Let Go and Let God.
I liked it.
