Just Thinking…

I am coping quite well not having any set activities. Usually I load myself up with things to do and responsibilities so that I don’t have any time to be still. Here I have no responsibilities at all, I can spend my days and nights doing almost anything I want. I have been taking it quite easy, Im not loading myself up like I usually would and its good.

I joined a gym and have my snowboarding pass so I am doing a lot more exercise than I am used to, I have been eating better too. Making sure I have 3 meals a day and im snacking on almonds and cashews and pistachios.

Its really good and peaceful. Im not used to feeling relaxed.

I have been thinking quite a bit, I was trying to remember I time I was happy. I think I was thinking that I could try to mimic that again, but I cant remember being happy. The last year, year and a half, have probably been the best of my life when it comes to that. I want more though, I want to be happy without the feeling like I need to be better or do more.

I have also been thinking that it might be useful for me to go and visit the farm that I grew up on, the last time I was there I was 15 and scared. Maybe it would be good to go and have a look around and decide that I am stronger than all those memories and that the place itself isn’t ‘bad’. Not sure about this one, it could be a bad idea, plus I don’t even know who lives there any more.

I haven’t found a Church here that I like, they all seem to have services in the morning but nothing in the evening and I have been sleeping in.

Now that I have accepted that the cost of this might be a bit over what I had originally planned I am feeling a lot more settled and calm. This is a big learning experience for me, not to have structure, and I have to take it seriously.