Just Thinking…

I wasn’t going to post anything about this, but keeping it in my head is not working out.
I met this guy a little while ago who I really liked, I can’t emphasise that enough, it made me feel like all the other people I have ever liked were children’s crushes.
Anyway, nothing is going to happen and I don’t like it.
I feel like I have been emotionally manipulated and Im not used to it.
Don’t get me wrong, I know i will forget about him sooner or later. I just wish it would be sooner. I don’t like not getting what I want.

Well, that’s my whinge for the day. I am actually going quite well, I’m really looking forward to the meditation course I am doing next week. I’m liking this town I am in, but its not good for me, I drink too much and party too much and then eat fatty foods all day to make myself feel better. Its not ideal, but its fun and the sunshine here is great.

My Mum is in hospital again. At least this time we know.

She will be in at least overnight. My Nan didn’t have too much information. Just something about her having a blood disease, probably a commplication from having a cancer cut off her foot a couple of months ago.

Thinking of having cancers cut off. I went to a doctor here the other day (because I am still sick, and haven’t had a functioning digestive system for over 2 weeks) and while I was there I asked him about a mole that I am 99% sure had changed colour. The next thing I knew he was all keen to burn in off and two others I had on my stomach. He gave me the injections to numb the areas and then he said something that was a bit concerning. I can’t remember the actual sentence, but it was along the lines, of ‘Dr ???’s beauty clinic’ up until that point I thought there was a ’sound’ medical reason for getting rid of them. Now I’m not so sure.

Anyway, it just occurred to me that if mum is sick from a complication of her ’spot removal’ maybe  should be more careful about the ones I have??

That’s an aside anyway. BTW, if any of you call me on skype now, it diverts to my indian mobile. So please remember the time difference if you are going to do that

Oh, and pray for my mum.

So my mum ended up in hospital last week, and neither Mum or Warren thought that was information that any of her kids should know.
I can understand mum not thinking of it, she was quite sick. But, for Warren to not bother even calling Doug (he gets along with Doug). I can’t understand.
I’m taking this as yet another sign that he is not good for her. Firstly, letting it get to a point where she needs to go to hospital, as in they didnt even see a doctor in the week leadup she was sick. Then, not telling anyone. It’s just not OK.
I don’t trust him with her, he is to controlling and she is too weak, probably too weak to even notice, let alone do anything about it.
Anyway, I now like him even less.
It even felt difficult to get him to put her on the phone to me today. Not happy.

Most of you know, I have been trying to live life “In case I die” meaning, if I were to die tomorrow what do I want to have done today.
This on the surface, this seems selfish, but when you think about it more it’s not. To really think like this, it means having an understanding of the problems that you will create with your behaviour (if it is too selfish, it probably causes pain for other people, which is not the type of thing you want to do on your last day alive)

Anyway, so the reason I lose is that I  sometimes I miss out on things that I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, this is partially a self preservation thing. So it means that I feel like I am doing the ‘right’ thing, when I really want to be doing something different.

But, such is life.  I am in India so I am getting very used to having anything and everything that I want. So feeling like I am missing out on anything is driving me crazy.

Again, please don’t misunderstand. I love being in India, I am currently in Chennai with Chantalle and having a great time. I just sometimes want more than I have, I guess its the human condition.

For those of you who don’t know, I have been on anti-depressants since sometime in 2004. i have been on the ones I am on now since sometime in 2005.

Last year I decided that I would try to get off them. So I have been working on that. I am now on the lowest dose I have ever been on. 22.5mg.

I started on 30mg, went up to 45, went back to 30, up again, then up tto 60mg. Then I have been slowly coming down.

I’m excited about this. I know that I will have to be careful of the depression thing for the rest of my life, but I like the idea of being ‘normal’ for a while. I like the idea that I can trust my brains to make the right chemicals and hormones and stuff without assistance.

The plan is to be drug free by Nov 1st. That date isn’t special or anything, its just the date that came up when I made my current plan.

Now that its been announced on their own blogs…

Alastair & Carla got engaged last night. I’m very excited for them, its great.
I met Carla last night, we had a bit of a chat on Skype. I was even the first person to see the ring, even though in was via a web camera.
Not sure what else to say really, I’m really happy for them, they seem so happy and they look so cute together.

So, Congratulations Al & Carla.

(although, Al, I’m sure there are less extreme measures to get me to come back at some point finding someone to marry and making me promise to be there seems excessive )

Sorry for those of you I freaked out yesterday. I am really fine.
Travelling changes people, I know that, its part if why I love it so much.

In the last 7 weeks I have changed quite a bit, my outlook on life has changed.

I have been reading quite a lot, books change people too. I have been reading novels, the novels that I have read so far are helping me to be inspired to live my life as fully as possible.
So then, due to a conversation I had the other night, I had some revelations about who I am and where I want my life to be heading.
Even with all the changing I have done, I wasn’t quite expecting this revelation, so I freaked out a bit. Still, its a great thing to happen.

When I went on about face, at the briefing we did an exercise about personality types. One of the things we talked about is if you are a thinking or a feeling person. I clearly, was in the thinking category. Someone else in the thinking side said something about ‘thinking through feelings’ and someone on the feeling side pointed out how that is still thinking. Feeling is different.

I feel as though I understand how to feel now. It’ new too me. I can’t even describe it.

So, with all this, yesterday I was trying to ‘think’ about how to cope with feeling. I don’t know if I came up with an answer, but I do know I am really really happy to be alive to feel this.

(please note: all of this has been brought on by things happening here, nothing to do with anything going on at home – this is for the benefit of some people who contacted me after yesterday’s outburst)

I’m not sure what to think at the moment. I want to be really happy and really sad at the same time.

What do you do when you get what you prayed for?
It’s doing my head in. I was already exhausted and sick (I have managed to get a throat infection), but now this too.

I guess that the answer is to keep praying and to try to live out of love rather than fear. Right?
I mean, that is probably the answer to everything though.

One of the good things about having my own laptop (while travelling) is that I can take it to internet cafe’s and download while I am catching up with people. 5 mins more and I will the new Doctor Who. Yay.
I know, im in India, I shouldn’t be worried about watching TV shows, but sometimes its good to have something to do at night that isn’t reading.

Its my birthday again soon, and I have started stressing about it already.
I know its silly, I have one every year so I should just get over it.
Its the time of the year that I think most about what I am NOT doing with my life, all the things I feel like I should be doing or should have already done. It won’t be as bad this year, Im in India with no fixed plans of when I’m going home.
So, nothing to stress about… right…